The Adventures of Bartolomeo
by FlamingLeadPipes
Summary: Bartolomeo. A man whose whole pirate career was inspired by the legendary pirate crew we all know and love. But what happened in-between becoming a fan and actually meeting Strawhat Luffy? What idiotic things did Bartolomeo get up to? (This is a slight AU, as in this story, Bartolomeo becomes a pirate sooner than what is implied in the manga/anime).
1. Chapter 1

For some reason, my mind can't quite grasp the fact that my new captain had only recently become what he is. And no, I'm not talking about his reputation for being the worlds biggest asshole. That one 'fateful' day, as he calls it, had apparently been the turning point towards his new way of life. A way of life which could be directly compared with an obsessive religion- hailing one particular man as his lord and saviour. I've been told the story hundreds of times already, and I've only been on this manic ship for a week!

This scrawny teenage boy... sorry, this godly young man, had apparently been saved by a bolt of lightning from the high heavens. This was supposably a sign that he was 'destined for greatness' and would 'undeniably become the Pirate King.' The Captain had been so utterly entranced by the D, that he was inspired to be just like him.

And so, the childish fanboy had immediately gathered a crew and began his journey on the high seas. That's where I come in. And in all of my years, I have been on quite few pirate ships, and I can confidently say that I have never experienced one quite like this.

My day starts off by being abruptly woken by my green-headed captain scampering down the corridors and onto the ship's deck. While I roll over with a tired groan, I hear the sounds of an already traumatised news-coo being almost attacked by the man, who repeatedly claws at the newspapers in the bird's red bag. It's only after one of the more sane crew mates decides to help him pay- that the bird's screeches cease. Or maybe the Captain had accidentally throttled it in over-excitement? Who knows...

After retrieving the crumpled newspaper one way or another, I can hear my captain flipping feverishly through the printed pages. It's not hard to imagine his wide eyes manically skimming through the articles, searching for even a word mentioning any of the Straw Hat Pirates. At this point, the day could turn one of three ways.

Most often, there would be no signs of the holy pirates in the black and white print. At such an event, I knew exactly what to expect. We would go about as normal, attacking anyone who dared say a word against 'Luffy-senpai.' Maybe spending a few hours waiting impatiently for my captain to finish drooling over the wanted poster pinned up in each and every shop we passed. Possibly listening to one of his long-winded, in depth speeches of each of the Straw Hat's rumoured tales of life and death.

Sometimes, maybe about once a week, a sentence or two would mention one of the almighty crew members- outlining how formidable they were or could become if not stopped. Possibly the over-excitable idiot had assumed some sort of reference to the StrawHats. These kinds of days were particularly unpredictable. The whole ship ends up in a restless mess after the captain switches from fuming anger to rippling excitement. Sometimes he'd be gliding around the ship as if he were an ice skater on wooden-ice, spinning around with sparkles in his eyes and various sound effects drifting from him. Other times he'd be pacing back and forth in his quarters, muttering to himself in an obsessive manner. You would always be able to hear that one loose floorboard creaking once every three seconds for the exact same amount of time as he walked over it again and again.

The last kind is the worst, and such a day I have only had the misfortune to experience once before, a few days ago. These are the days that Monkey D Luffy's face is printed right on the front page of the newspaper. These are the days that Monkey D Luffy has done something terribly magnificent. On that morning, I was shaken out of bed by the fear that the ceiling of my room might just cave in. Captain Bartolomeo had been jumping up and down above deck and I could hear the already-rotting wood creaking as it bent to its full capacity. The rest of the crew were already scampering down the corridors desperately trying to avoid the bending wood above their heads.

I force my tired, creaking body to move out of the room and up onto the deck to hopefully knock some sense into the green-haired man. Instead, I find myself confronted with the front page of a newspaper which has been abruptly shoved into my face. The newspaper then retreated back before my captain's seething expression of frenzied hysteria. I could only comprehend a picture of the Strawhat boy grinning at the camera, this mouth stretching as wide as his face. I would have ignored this intrusion and continued with my own anger, but the Captain seemed too dazed to acknowledge anything but the writing in front of him, which I would bet my life that he has already read at least ten times. He glances over at me, as if he was remembering my existence, but he couldn't seem to form any words to greet me with. His mouth shook at a rapid, shivering pace, but only strangled-sounding breaths were produced. He gave up quickly and began glancing back and forth between the paper which lay scrunched up in his hands and me. His eyes had changed to massive golden sparkles and his mouth hung wide open with awe.

I simply stood still, uncertain as to what I should do. It seemed to make sense to treat him like some sort of wild beast - stay still until it was safe to walk backwards slowly. Unfortunately, this did give the Captain time to calm down enough and explain the whole story.

The rest of the crew seemed to be keeping as far away as physically possible. I had later gathered that they had learnt what to do after last time, when 'Zoro-senpai' had cut down a hundred enemies at Whiskey Peak. According to my more-sane crew mates, it took weeks for him to calm down enough to have a normal conversation. Apparently the Captain spent all that time ranting about how proud he was to have green hair. According to the Captain, anyone born with bright green hair -such as his and Zoro's- was destined to stand next to someone great.

Now, if this were just anyone, I would have hammered their blubbering heads into the ground before they could say 'rubber.' I'm a pirate for Christ's sake! But... he's my captain, so I bit my tongue and sat down beside his collapsed figure to listen.

I only just managed to comprehend words of English in between his rushed and ragged breaths and his habit of clutching his face and letting out a squeal. The Straw Hats had rained havoc on the desert kingdom, Alabasta. They had defeated the corrupt Shichibukai, Crocodile. Though, when I read the news headline, it clearly stated the marine-captain, Smoker's victory. Bartolomeo rapidly explained and promptly scolded me for doubting the rubber boy. The D had, without a doubt, saved the whole of Alabasta - the marines were simply covering up for a pirate saving the day.

I left him alone to let the blinding sparkles in his eyes fade on the basis that his accusations were utter nonsense. I mean, as a pirate, I am fully aware of the Navy's injustice and this didn't seem out of their league, yet the Captain had no evidence whatsoever.

Unfortunately, the time I was with the Captain seemed to be his comprehending stage, where he would try to grasp the situation and let it all sink in. Next, he began bounding around the ship's deck like an escaped rabbit, falling off for what I recall to be five times (much to the annoyance of the poor soul who had to swim through the freezing water and fish him out). I swear, if anyone had given him the slightest amount of sugar or alcohol, he might have been in such of an excited hype that he probably would've fainted.

This state still remains today, and it doesn't look like it's going to improve anytime soon. It's not like we can do anything recreational with our time either, what, with our captain out of action. Any sane conversation regarding the ships navigation or enemy pirates or even treasure have been scrunched up, stamped on and thrown out the window, only to be replaced with one of Captain Bartolomeo's fantasies.

Me? A decently-recognisable pirate with a boast-able bounty, wonders how I ever ended up in this mad-house ship. Maybe I admired the Captain's unique reputation for being a infamously annoying asshole? I never did guess there would be such a pathetic, excitable fanboy underneath his hard exterior and I'm beginning to question my ever-eroding sanity.

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><p>Well, that was the first part of a little something I've been working on for a while now. It's a bit of in introductory chapter, really, but I hope you like it nevertheless. I have a decent number of chapters ready and waiting to be put up, and shall be done in... once a week? We'll see. But in saying that, the length, quality and humour of these chapters would be greatly enhanced by any sort of ideas from any of you. This can include funny ideas for scenes, events or just stupid things that idiot might have done. Or even something about how he obtained any cannon objects or traits. Anything is welcome.<p>

Also, thank you to my friend for proof reading, otherwise this would have been a disaster.


	2. Chapter 2

I believe that the 'Barto Club' is turning into more of a 'Strawhat fan-club.' In fact, I think we should change our name to such. I really wouldn't be surprised if I were ordered to sell merchandise on the streets- rubber has become some sort of holy item and straw hats are on the same level as halos these days. Some poor suckers who chose to follow the idiot around are dragged into a series of what could be called ship-meetings, but are more like fan-club get-togethers. This includes me.

Oh, what do we do? I organise the necessary information, including navigation details and information on new islands, only for the papers to be thrust aside for one of Barto's new 'big ideas.' Which basically include new ways to piss people off, and eventually lead to one of his fantasies of joining the legendary Straw Hats. To be honest, if he ever did ever meet one of the pirates, he would almost definitely faint before he would get the chance to open his mouth, so I very much doubt any of his stories would go in his way.

I remember one particular idea, Barto had decided that he would be watching and waiting in the shadows while Luffy heroically fought some Yonko. He would jump into the ocean as the boy fell and would save him from hundreds of vicious sea-kings, returning him to safety, unharmed and well. Afterwards, Luffy would ask his help and together they would defeat the unnamed Yonko. Of course, even one like yourself can see how this idea is wrong on so many levels. Ignoring the fact that the Captain is about as helpless in the water as the rubber brat, defeating hundreds of sea kings at once? Let alone standing up against a Yonko.

Jesus, I heard the second division commander of the Whitebeard Pirates could talk a mile a minute about his little brother. I'd love to introduce them, they might be able to wear each other out. I wonder who fanboys more over the poor kid.

To be quite honest, it has been quite a while without any news about the future Pirate King, and I guess I should have known that it was too good to be true. Last week, disaster struck. Bartolomeo had finally received all the coverage he'd been craving, and more. The Stawhat Pirates had done the unthinkable. Raving havoc on Enies Lobby is one thing, but declaring war on the World Government is a whole other level of shit. I have to admit though, it's very impressive. That, or stupid. But what's worse? The wanted posters.

Oooohhh yes. Every single member of the Strawhat Pirates now have their own wanted posters. I'm not sure how (though I can easily guess), but all of our copies have simultaneously been flattened and pinned to the walls of our ship. Each also contains a drop of drool hanging to the corner. The captain now simply stares at them in complete awe.

'Cyborg' Franky-senpai: the super cool, half robotic, amazing shipwright.

'Devil Child' Nico Robin ane-san: the cool, mysterious and intelligent archeologist.

'Candy Lover' Toni Toni Chopper-senpai: the talented, cool and adorable pet.

'Black Leg' Sanji-senpai: the strong, cool and fantastic cook.

'Sogeking'-senpai: the cool, mysterious sharpshooter.

'Cat Burgler' Nami ane-san: the beautiful, cool and independent navigator.

'Pirate Hunter' Roronoa Zoro-senpai: the most amazing, cool, powerful swordsman and 'Luffy-senpai's' 'right-hand man.'

And last but certainly not least we have 'Straw Hat' Monkey D Luffy-senpai: fantastic, amazing, awesome, 'the chosen one,' spectacular, bewildering, most-likely-to-be-king, super, strong, striking, powerful, formidable - and don't forget cool, future Pirate King and Captain of the Straw Hat Pirates.

Using that information in your every-day sentences could convince our captain to do anything for you. And equally, if you shared his enthusiasm while using these words, you would most definitely become his best friend and possibly even his first mate. Surprisingly, no one has filled this criteria as of yet.

I feel like I could pull it off if I just sat there and nodded, smiling and muttering 'they're amazing' every few minutes. Maybe if I followed that plan I could become vice-captain? I suppose I'll save that one for when I'm desperately bored.

The most terrifying thing is, I think I've somehow caught this 'disease.' After spending so much time with a fanboy such as him, I've found myself reading over particular articles several times with a somewhat creepy smirk on my otherwise disinterested face. Articles outlining pirates such as the beautiful Cavendish and a few of the new rookies such as Jewellery Bonney and the Magician Basil Hawkins, I've found myself squealing over to reasonable extremes. Obviously this is no where near as obsessive as the obnoxious bull-ringed madman I'm forced to keep an eye on.

His hair has become excessively rugged recently. Why? Because he grabbed a knife and chopped his pompadour in half... And now he looks like some sort of green punk rooster. This new look, along with his eye tattoo, nose ring, clown pants and sharpened teeth are beginning to make me go delirious, how can anyone possibly look any more ridiculous?

On the topic of this mad-man's appearance, I believe his full set of sharpened teeth are more trouble than they're worth. Sure, they easily scare of civilians and rank him higher on the people's 'to be feared' list. People seem to assume that the man will rip out their throats. However, the thing is without molars and incisors, you can't eat! You can grip onto the food and all, but from there you just have to gnash and gnaw at the material until it's small enough to swallow. You should see the mess around him at the dinning table! It's like some sort of savage predator has torn through the plates in front of him, barely eating anything placed in his mouth and leaving the scraps of salivated food sprawled across the table, the floor and on near by crew mates.

Also, where on the seas did he get his clothes from? A joke shop? The tattoo under his eye looks like he's crying over 'Luffy-senpai' constantly, (which isn't such an impossibility, I'll look into that one).

Oh, the captain has also taken a liking to performing a role-play of sorts. After the Enies Lobby incident, he had 'accidentally' left one of our crew mates on the last island. He doubted all suspicions that such an event had occurred until we were a fair distance away from the poor man. Then he ordered us to turn around, declaring that we wouldn't leave anyone behind. When we arrived back on the island, Bartolomeo ordered our snipers to fire a cannon at a nearby town's World Government flag (thank goodness they missed their target). Then we pillaged the village, rescuing a very confused crew mate from the 'clutches of evil' before departing.

In other news, according to our captain we should be heading over to Water Seven soon. He's explained that we're going to collect supplies and fix the collapsing ship. I feel like there is another meaning to this far overly-anticipated trip, considering the distance we'll have to travel and the previous home of the newest member of the Straw Hats. I've also been told that the people there are massive fans of the Straw Hats. It's going to be like being surrounded by thousands of Bartolomeos. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if the idiot ends up getting so over-excited that he organises a Straw-Hat-worshipping parade and ends up making some sort of Monkey D Luffy temple and mantra.

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><p>Thank you for reading! This is my first proper multiple-chapter story, so I'm still improving. Please leave a review, I'd love to hear your thoughts!<p> 


	3. Chapter 3

Well, I must say I was proud of my captain for not going too overboard on our trip to Water Seven. He probably wet himself numerous times, but at least he didn't end up creating a whole new religion... scratch that, it was already a religion. I think the trip was beneficial no the less, he probably needed time to talk with his own kind, spending most of his time in a bar, swapping stories with the locals. Of course, these weren't about dangerous seas, treasure or any other recreational information. It was all about you-know-who. It was either that or rolling around on the paved streets, kissing the ground.

Most of the crew were busy trying to calm him down before he began pissing people off. We had to keep the annoying side of him at bay for as long as it would take to repair the ship. Despite how much I do complain about the man, he does still manage to act like a pirate. He acts all fierce and cruel in public, hence his reputation. It's just after someone mentions the 'golden-topic' that his legs give out underneath him. I suppose it's good that he keeps his softer side hidden, the amount of people who could so easily manipulate him would be unimaginable.

I was put in charge of organising the expenses of the ship repairs. I was appointed after the Captain began using expressions such as a 'Luffy load of wood' and a 'Franky's worth,' which utterly confused the shipwrights. Instead, they turned to me for translations. I just assumed a 'Luffy load' meant a lot and a 'Franky's worth' was 44,000,000 Beli. So, I was unfortunately hired in place of the captain and became head of Barto-translation.

Because of this, my self proclaimed holiday was ruined. I spent the first few days organising expenses and the rest of the time watching over the ship. This basically meant I sat around the ship-building site while the rest of my crew drank in a nearby pub. I'm not too sure why I was ordered to sit around there. I suppose my captain thought there had to be someone watching what was going on, since the rest of the crew was out of commission.

I did make friends with some of the shipwrights. That made my days brighter. One of the main attractions, though, was that I was with the people in which The Captain had so desperately wanted to meet. Paulie had been to Enies Lobby with the Straw Hats. He had met the Monkey D Luffy. He introduced me to the rest of Galley-La, and Iceberg too- apparently of Franky's close friends. They're all so kind, genuine people and I really enjoyed my time among them. Iceberg even offered me the position as his secretary. I quickly refused, I don't think I'll ever be able to settle down and give up piracy. Life is just so much more exciting as a pirate.

I couldn't stop laughing to myself afterward. With the small bits and pieces of information they gave me about the Straw Hats, I could get my captain to grovel at my feet.

In fact, I did. I took the man on a tour of sorts. First, we went to see the place in which the Straw Hats had made residence while in Water Seven. He had gone through his normal routine of shivering and holding himself while crying tears of happiness with his mouth wide open and sparkles in his eyes. I showed him the places where the Thousand Sunny was made and where the Going Merry was docked. I took him underground, where Cyborg Franky had lived and the Town Hall where the Straw Hats had fought Cp9. The Captain intently listened while sniffling tears of happiness.

After I had finished the tour, I had him at my mercy. I asked him if he wanted to meet the Mayor and Galley-La shipwrights. He had silently nodded his head and whined slightly, like a begging dog. And so, I found the shipwrights near the shipyard, laughing and drinking after a hard days work. I introduced them to my captain and left him to pitifully cry and blubber over the men.

Wait... I do remember hearing him make some sort of a sea shanty or jig with the shipwrights- not quite a mantra, but close... what was it? Something like-

Not everyone can combat the dangerous seas,

At least not as well as the Strawhats!

You think you can combat those terrible storms?

You don't have Cat Burglar Nami!

You think you can satisfy a crew of hungry men?

You don't have Black Leg Sanji!

You think you can hit a target?

You're missing Sogeking!

You think have an adorable pet?

You don't have Cotton Candy Lover... Toni-Toni Chopper!

Not everyone can combat the dangerous seas,

At least not as well as the Strawhats!

You think you can build a legendary ship?

You don't have Cyborg Franky!

You think you can cut up a powerful enemy?

Where's Pirate Hunter... Roronoa Zoro?

You think you can find the true history?

You don't have the Devil Child... Nico Robin!

Not everyone can combat the dangerous seas,

At least not as well as the Strawhats!

And don't forget

The best of them all,

Pirate King, Luffy!

Ruler of all!

Wait... Ruler of all? I seriously don't think I can survive among these people for much longer...

After all of that, the last few days consisted of listening to my captain go on and on about how we were walking in the same place that they walked.

And now, after two weeks of havoc, I had finally come to the newly repaired and refurnished ship. We were going to set sail the next morning and I had settled down in my bed for a well-earned rest. But of course, my night didn't go as planned. I heard a crashing and rustling in the room a few doors down, and in a grumble, I went to go and complain. But, it just so happened that I ended up standing before the Captain's door.

I knocked, more concerned than angry now. It was a possibility that the trip to Water Seven had been too much for the poor guy. Pffftt... poor. Instead, I found him standing in the middle of a sea of straw hats. At that point, I was so sick of Bartolomeo and his fanboying, that I didn't think anything could surprise me. But this crossed the line.

He just stood there with an innocent grin on his smug face. My own face had probably gone red with anger by then. Large boxes sat around his feet among the hats, he was most certainly trying to get the straw-hat-filled boxes atop the cupboard before anyone saw.

Bartolomeo had then tentatively taken a straw hat from the floor and outstretched his arm to hand it to me. To restrain myself from punching the man hard in the face, I took the hat and just left.

Most pirate crews don't have a uniform. You should know this, the whole concept of 'freedom' and 'fun' that many of us pirates aim for would be ruined by the idea. Yet, somehow, Bartolomeo managed to enforce such a rule on his ship. Each and every one of us must wear a straw hat. All day. Everyday. I bet you can imagine my complete anguish over this new law. Whatever it takes, I will abolish this, otherwise the captain's going to get quite a few of us leaving his side.

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><p>Well... to be honest, this probably isn't the best chapter. I like the next one. The next ones good. Please review! I really want to improve my writing style as I'm not quite as used to verse-less writing, so any advice or comments would be fantastic!<p> 


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